“Mama, Where Did I Come From?”

When she asked, we were hurriedly getting her dressed for school. Already running late, frantically pulling pajamas off and school clothes on, her hair in knots, teeth not yet brushed.

And then, suddenly, with no warning, she asked  it. The Question.

“Mama, where did you get me?”

“Uhhhh, what?” I replied.

“Where did I come from?” she asked again.

Ruh-roh.

I mean, I knew she would ask eventually, but I had hoped it would be when I finally had all the answers. You know — never.

Stalling, I asked, gently, “Why are you thinking about that, honey?”

She asked, “Well, did I come in a box, like the dolls at Target?”

“Well, no…,” I stumbled.

“Then how did I get here?” she persisted.

Mind swirling, fully aware of the minutes ticking by, I was dumbfounded.

I’ll take “How to avoid an uncomfortable and serious conversation with your kid for $1,000,” Alex.

“Well, honey,” I stated, “Mommy and Daddy prayed very hard that we would have an angel delivered to us, and God gave us you.”

Score!

Then, fully intending to change the subject, I added, “Now let’s hurry up, we’re going to be late for school.”

My vague reply seemed to satisfy her inquiry, and I felt a selfish and oddly uncomfortable sense of relief. At least until we got buckled in the car, that is. Then, from the backseat, I hear this:

“Did I get delivered by a bird, like Dumbo was?”

Sigh. Just when I thought I had tactfully avoided the question.

“No, honey, a stork didn’t deliver you. You ah, um…”

In the next 10 seconds, the following thoughts tumbled through my overly tired brain:
-Just say yes, it was a stork. Just like in Dumbo.
-How do you explain procreation to a 5-year-old?
-Just tell the truth. If I tell her the truth, will she be scarred for life?
-Just lie.
-Just tell the truth. Do parents tell 5-year-olds the truth about this?
-What harm would it cause to tell her it was a stork? It’s just like believing in Santa, right? No?

In the end, I simply stalled again and brought up the whole we-prayed-for-an-angel-and-got-you angle again. By that point, we were in line at preschool drop-off, she had spotted her friends, and she had lost interest.

I was spared. For the time being.

Later on, like any good parent, I consulted the world’s most expedient parenting expert: Google. I found a bunch of different ways to handle this question, but most experts agree: be as straightforward as possible. The Talk Institute, for example, suggests that parents answer the question in its most direct terms, such as: “You came from a special place in my body called a uterus.” And then, when they ask what the bejesus a uterus is, and how a baby gets in there, you have to be prepared to explain what s-e-x is. To a 5-year-old.

To that effect, renowned parenting expert Dr. William Sears says to make sure you use accurate terms like womb, and uterus, and vagina. Uhhhh…so, “hoo hoo” and “lady bits” don’t quite cut it? Dang.

Go ahead, criticize. Tell me I’m wrong. I can handle it. I know she’ll ask again, and the next time, I’ll have to have a better answer. She’s growing way too wise for my shenanigans. But for the love of all that is awkward, I just can’t see myself explaining baby-making to a 5-year-old.

So dear readers, tell me: Have your kiddos every asked this question? If so, how did you answer them? Sound off in the comments below!

photo credit: janwillemsen via photopin cc