Don’t Let This Facebook Fiasco Happen to Your Kid
This is an (unpaid) public service announcement.
Cue scene: A 14-year-old boy, teeming with anticipation, walks onto the stage of his high school, about to give the speech of his life. You see, he’s running for Freshman Class President. He’s prepared for weeks for this big day, and nothing is going to ruin it for him. The glory, the honor, the pride – it’s all his.
But then — all of a sudden, in the middle of his speech — he hears from the back, “Timmy* is a pool pooper! Timmy is a pool pooper!”
Mortified, but blinded by the bright lights of the stage, a frazzled Timmy can’t see who’s yelling such crass remarks. The heckler, thankfully, is subdued by a few quick-acting teachers, but the damage has already been done.
Pretty soon, Timmy is hearing, “Hey, pool pooper!” in the halls, his classrooms, and seeing it plastered across his Facebook page. People snicker as he walks past. He loses the election, and becomes the butt of the joke (no pun intended) for the REST OF HIS HIGH SCHOOL YEARS.
Now, whom does poor Timmy have to thank for this devastating turn of events?
His mom.
Yep. Thanks, Mom.
You see, about 9 years earlier, our dear protagonist’s mother had posted a status on her Facebook wall: “Timmy pooped in the pool AGAIN. This is the third time this week! <insert frowny face> feeling frustrated.”
At Timmy’s school, school elections are intense. Timmy’s opponent and friends, in a malicious attempt to unseat Timmy’s campaign, started their maniacal planning by turning to every teen’s favorite research tool: the World. Wide. Web. And lo and behold, they discovered that Timmy’s mom had posted, on her public Facebook profile, a running tally of the number of times Timmy pooped in the pool, among any other number of sorta-cute-now-but-embarrassing-later anecdotes from his early childhood. With my apologies to Yoda: plenty of ammunition, there was.
Again, thanks Mom.
Ok, so maaayyyybe this tale is a little far-fetched. Except it isn’t.
As a parent who is also on Facebook, I have posted plenty of photos of the tot, and perhaps a few mildly embarrassing factoids about our lives together.
However, I’m also aware that Facebook is not a private diary that gets tucked away in my drawer before bed every night. It is a social network. And it is on the Internet. AND THE THINGS ON THE INTERNET LIVE ON THE INTERNET FOREVER.
Sure, posts are deleted, but they aren’t “really” deleted. Ask anyone who’s ever tried to deactivate his or her Facebook account, and reactivate it later. Everything you posted before – that you thought you had deleted – is STILL THERE, including status updates, photos and contacts. And after news broke of the the evil Dr. Zuckerberg’s Mood-Altering Facebook Experiment broke earlier this week, it should be even more clear that we are not in control. They are.
“But my status updates are set to PRIVATE!” you lament. Doesn’t matter. Face it: teenage hackers are smarter than us, and will forever be, because they don’t have to spend time on things like, oh, I don’t know…going to work and cleaning toilets.
And this is just ONE social network. We’ve still got Twitter, Instagram, Google+, Tumblr, Flickr, and a bunch of others that I haven’t ever used, but ones that them there youngsters seem to know lots about.
So, parents, please take heed. If you think it’s important that all 492 of your Facebook friends know that your poor kid pooped in the pool at your Fourth of July picnic this weekend, please, by all means, go ahead and share. Tell the whole world. Take a photo and post it on Instagram. Heck, make a streaming video and post it to YouTube.
But don’t be surprised if someday he comes home from school, exasperated, and screams, “Moooooom! What did you DO?!”
Happy Fourth. And remember; only use fireworks under adult supervision.
*Name has been changed to protect the innocent. Also, there is no Timmy, because this is a fictionalized story.