Age 5 is Trying to Destroy My Will to Live
In less than two short months, my daughter will turn 6.
I’m not sure if I’m going to make it.
Why, you ask?
Because, you see: I’m pretty sure that Age 5 is trying to destroy me.
At some point over the summer, fragments of my sweet-natured kindergartener were replaced with a strong-willed, eye-rollin’, sass-talkin’ five-ager.
Now, don’t get me wrong. The vast majority of the time, she’s still my darling little angel. She still loves cuddles and stories in my lap and mama hugs.
HOWEVER — every once in a while — I’m given a glimpse into what life with our daughter is going to be like when she’s a tween or…t-t-t- (give me a minute) teen.
It ain’t pretty. And it sure as peanuts isn’t easy.
For instance:
Age 5 does not understand the concept of time. Age 5 thinks that school will wait for her to get there. Age 5 thinks that “we only have a few minutes to get dressed” means “Please, take 10 minutes to dance around in your underpants while you brush your teeth, and then, when you’re done, make sure you jump back under the covers and laugh hysterically until Mom completely loses her shit.” Time is irrelevant to Age 5.
Age 5 needs to take a random 75% of her toy collection with her wherever we go. It doesn’t matter that the school is exactly 6 minutes away from our house. Six ponies, four mermaids, three cats and two Barbie dolls must come along for the ride. But her backpack? With her school folder? It’s still on her bedroom floor. See “time is irrelevant,” above.
Age 5 consistently insists that our bathtub is a swimming pool, and repeatedly turns on the faucet because there’s “not enough water because I can still see my toes sticking up.”
Age 5’s food repertoire consists of 1) peanut butter 2) turkey sandwiches 3) pancakes and 4) hamburgers. Any variation of that theme is met with…
….Age 5 saying “I HATE this food. It tastes TERRIBLE! Why did you cook this?”
Age 5 can remember every single word to the “Frozen” soundtrack but then claims she can’t remember ANYTHING she did at school that day.
Age 5 has learned how to operate the TV remote and frequently says, “I’m in charge of the TV now.”
Age 5 still needs to sit in timeout every once in a while.
Age 5 whines about writing her 4-letter name on her school papers, but will spend a half hour making “lists” full of random words for me to take to the store.
Age 5 wants a baby kitty really, really bad.
Age 5 also wants ice cream after every meal.
Age 5 doesn’t understand what we mean when we say “we heard you the first 37 times.”
Age 5 tells me that she can comb her own hair, and then comes out of her bedroom looking like Don King after a weekend bender.
Age 5 takes phrases like “It’s time to go to bed” and “I asked you to pick up your toys” as mild suggestions.
Age 5 thinks that snow boots were the perfect accompaniment to her summer wardrobe, but tells me “You’re not my boss” when we ask her to wear shoes in 40-degree weather.
Age 5 thinks that she knows more than her parents. And from what I’ve heard, Ages 6-24 also think they know more than their parents, so…
We’re buckling our seatbelts, baby, because we’re not getting off of this ride anytime soon.
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